WELL, AT LEAST THESE T-SHIRTS ARE WORTH WAITING FOR

Okay, you've waited an age for me to get back to writing to you and I apologise for my absence. In between other work, I have been putting together t-shirt designs for www.sweltermerchandise.com and two new t-shirt sites which I will do my damndest to launch before the end of the year.

In the meantime, here are some shirts for those of you who have waited way too long. Instead of cursing yourself for not acting sooner, get the shirt, wear it as a reminder, and move on with your life. Heck, she wasn't that great anyway. Now you can go out and play the field guilt free.

And for the ladies who have also hung in there and missed an opportunity or two, I'll be designing some shirts especially for you really soon. Of course, if you spot a guy wearing one of these shirts, move in on him. He is definitely available!

Good luck!

I AM ALWAYS RIGHT T-SHIRT

You've always known it but others tend to be a little slow to catch up. Instead of repeatedly saying it and risk having it fall on deaf ears, now's the time to show the truth. Wear it on your chest - the I Am Always Right t-shirt. No-one can argue with that, can they?! And since there are a variety of different I Am Always Right designs, everyone gets to wear a t-shirt and be right in their own way. From where did the idea come? From repeatedly having to point out to family, friends and work colleagues what I've always taken to be my very obvious attribute - that I am always right! I assume from popularity of this shirt that there are many others out there who suffer from the same lack of recognition and have decided it is time to put the record straight. Bless you all. And good luck.

NEED A BOOST? THEN PUT ON THE I FEEL BETTER NOW T-SHIRT!

I was reminded of one of my earliest t-shirt designs when someone kindly bought a couple of my I Feel Better Now tees yesterday. Whilst I can promise no immediate cure, I like to think that wearing this shirt will make a positive shift in someone's life. The least it will do is raise a chuckle here and there, and that's always a good thing. At the back of the happy trippy lettering is an opened pack of pills. You can tell anyone who asks that they are whatever you want them to be. Most people will assume they are some kind of designer drug and some may even consider this design to be pro-drugs. I like leaving things up to personal interpretation. Truth is, the drugs used in the graphic were beta blockers, designed to help the heart but with a surprise positive side effect in that they also help migraine sufferers. I've been battling with migraine for over sixteen years and when I finally met up with my second neurologist, I was put onto these drugs. Whilst they slowed my metabolism and made me a bit drowsy, they also radically minimized my migraine attacks and that was a godsend! Sad to say, the effects didn't last but I still feel good when I put on my original I Feel Better Now shirt, even though it is very worn and has now been designated as a sleep shirt. The design and sentiment is lasting, and I've used it in books, portfolios and as a price label on my exhibited artworks. I wish you every happiness when you wear it. (Hey, and even when you don't!)

I OWE MY T-SHIRT TO LUCINDA WILLIAMS

I was driving to work the other day, weaving my way between pantechnicons, trucks with trailers, and overloaded African taxis, and Lucinda Williams was wailing and swearing in the car. Well, she wasn't actually in the car but her CD was playing. Loudly. I admit I wasn't in the best of moods and Lucinda was starting to depress me. Nobody was allowed to be more depressed than me at that point, and she was beating me by spades. Then, as I got to the bottom of Field's Hill (named after my great, great grandfather but that's a whole other story), the last track of Lucinda's CD began to play. She kept singing about how "Words fail" and I thought "What a great t-shirt that would make!" Slogan tees usually have something philosophic or provocative or funny on them. They exist to make a stand or get a reaction or both. How ironic, I thought, if there were an anti-slogan t-shirt, one that admitted to the failure, on occasion, of words. I confess to thinking, at the time, that this was positively brilliant! A slogan t-shirt that was subversively against its self. Nihilistic, you could say. Suddenly, I was no longer on the verge of depression, I was inspired! I thanked Lucinda and couldn't wait for the working day to end so that I could get back home and create my Words Fail t-shirt. A few days later, I listened to the song again. I had got it all wrong. Lucinda never said "Words fail", she sang "Words fell". But I reckon I owe her anyway. And should you ever be in the mood for a real bring-me-down song, give "Words fell" by Lucinda Williams a listen.It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard.